And by 'it', I mean fear. I thought it had faded, but yesterday it took me ten minutes to get up the nerve to get on. Today, I puttered around grooming and chatting and grooming and chatting for half an hour before I even started saddling her. I got her saddled up and took her to the arena to get on. She has been ridden every day since Monday, but now that I'm not lungeing her I'm a hot mess.
So, of course, she won't stand still at the mounting block and I'm too chicken to just get on. Even though when I finally do get on, she's fine. She might walk off for a few steps but it's not like she's bucked when I got on.
Then I get on and she bucks when I want to trot. She bucks when I want to increase the trot. She bucks when I want to canter. She bucks when I discipline for bucking. She bucks harder, I tap harder. Then she bucks and takes off. I try to praise her but my fear is screaming "You're gonna dieeeeeeee!!!!!" and I'm sure I'm curled up in the fetal position. I pull myself out and urge her to trot on. She slows down. I tap with the whip. Buck. Tap. Buck. Tap.
She only bucks for Laura once at the canter. She is testing me. I know this. But I'm so tired of this fight and then fear sneaks back in and before you know it, I'm leaving the barn in tears. I've been here before so it's doubly, no make that triply frustrating to see this spot again.
I'm pretty sure the fear is back because I've removed a crutch (lungeing) and that if I just push myself through this time, we will come out the other side. But ugh, blurgh, blah and now I'm going to settle down this afternoon/evening with the family and have a nice glass of wine.
The weather is gorgeous and is supposed to be sunny and 60 all weekend. I will be going out to the barn both days, but not riding one of them. I have my first group lesson (AAAAHHHHHHHH) on Monday evening so I'm pretty sure I will give the pony tomorrow off and then ride on Sunday. Though for my sake, I feel like I should get on both days and ride. I only rode 20 minutes today because I was such a chickenshit.
What do you think? If I ride both days am I risking pony mental burnout for Monday's lesson? Or should I just buck up and get through my fear and ride tomorrow and Sunday.