Confidence

Confidence is walking with your shoulders back and your head up, eyes alert and engaging.  Confidence is handling problems as they arise and then moving forward.  Confidence is knowing that even if you don't have the perfect solution, you can get there.  Confidence is trusting in something.  Maybe it's in your own abilities, maybe it's in your trainer and maybe it's in a higher power.  My horse has no confidence.  I have no confidence.  So when we try to step outside our collective comfort zones, our lack of confidence gels into a mushroom cloud of panic and despair.  She scrunches her body under saddle and I tilt forward and freeze.  We spiral downward.

We tried to take a walk the other day and the gate had her spinning and snorting and spinning and snorting.  When she really gets scared, she pushes her shoulder into me.  She figures if I'm not going to help her out, she'll make the decisions and push me out of the way.  My own fear rises up and my hands shake while my heart beats out of my chest.  I can feel tears threatening as the adrenaline overflows, looking for a place to release.  

I mutter curses under my breath, mostly at myself.  I'm not judging my horse who is simply a young horse looking for some leadership and guidance.  I'm judging me.  I'm judging my ineptness, my fear, my shaking hands.  Because although I can relate to the chickenshits of the world, I also can't relate.  I don't give myself an inch of "It's okay to be scared."  It's not okay for me to be scared.  It puts me and my horse in dangerous situations when I'm scared.  It makes things worse when I'm scared.  

So today, I'm going to try again with confidence.  And if I can't have confidence, I will try to find a small piece of faith to hold onto.  Faith in my trainer who thinks this horse is a fine match for me.  Faith in the universe that this horse came into my life for a reason (this sentence makes me want to smack myself silly.  I've seen too many people who are overhorsed use this as some bullshit excuse.  I hope this is not what I'm doing, but I'll admit I've thought a lot about it.)  I'm going to breathe deep and stand solid and see if I can't fake it 'til I make it.  

The cute face, looking for someone to be in charge.

Because remember how in my last post I promised to stop looking for a different solution all the time?  I am having a HARD time remembering that this week and need all the confidence in our future that I can get.