Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Since I have been riding five days a week I have noticed a disturbing trend.  My neck is sore and my shoulders are sore.  Sometimes so bad that my shoulder will spasm painfully.  I have re-arranged my home office so that the monitor, chair and desk are at the appropriate height so I know it's not that.  Also, I didn't work much the week of Thanksgiving.  But I did ride.  And even though I try REALLY HARD to relax my shoulders and arms and neck, I must not be getting it.  I have knots the size of boulders in both shoulders and can't move my neck enough to really look over either shoulder.  Not good.

I went to see a chiropractor and he did x-rays and all that and stated the obvious.  I have shortened tendons in my neck and shoulders from having my shoulders up around my ears all the time.  He recommended that I see him three times a week for a month.  Which would be fine if my insurance covered it, but sadly I have a co-pay of $35.00 a visit.  Which means that month would cost me approximately $420.00.  Well, I don't have $420.00 right now so that's off the table.  Massage comes with the same problems.  Massages around here are about $70 an hour.

Though both these things would be helpful, it seems like I am not in a financial position to pursue either one at this time.  Which leaves me with home care.  I have been putting heat on my shoulders off and on during the day and trying to do some gentle stretches.  I'm not sure if it's helping but at least the problem isn't getting worse.

When I'm riding, I'm trying to relax my shoulders more but to be honest I'm not really sure how.  I think I'm probably pulling them back with as much tension as I was hunching them to my ears.  I'm hoping to pick up some books on rider fitness for Christmas (my library doesn't have any.  Lame.) but in the meantime do you stretch before you ride?  Any stretches for necks and shoulders?  I'm hoping that as my fear decreases, my shoulders will resume their normal position at the base of my neck instead of crowded up around it.  Also, if it doesn't work out with the Princess I'm going to buy one of these instead.  Haha!

Backwards

Not enough sleep last night coupled with nightmares that woke me up over and over means I have been tired and out of sorts all day.  But today is a barn day so I made myself get out there.  It's dark and gloomy out today and my barn doesn't turn on the arena lights during the day.  Which means that you're riding the gloom of an indoor arena with only two open spaces on each side.  Also, because horses have a hard time switching from dark to light, this means that every.single.time anything happens outside the two light spaces, my pony spooked.  One minute she's on the bit, listening to me, marching forward and the next minute she's got her head in the air and we're galloping (okay, we galloped for three strides) away.  So then my adrenaline is up and I'm clenching and fighting off tears.  I'm tired and I just want to go home and have some hot chocolate and take a bath.  But I know I'm supposed to work through this stuff so I soldier on.  We try trotting, which leads to her head creatively flung in the air making circles with her nose while she pretends to pop into canter.  So I try to push her into canter to show her I'm in charge, which leads to me leaning forward and flapping my arms like a chicken and the pony just slinging her head around swishing her tail.  So I tap her with my whip.  Tail swish.  Tap her again and she bucks, which makes me lean forward and feel like crying again.

We went back to walk and did some walk/trot transitions.  They weren't bad.  They weren't good.  Slump shouldered and depressed, I brushed her off (in the dark aisle way because the barn owner's don't want to turn those on either unless it's *actually* dark out), put her blanket back on and left.

I have learned a few things today.  One is that when I haven't had enough sleep, I am wrecked.  Facing fear is not something to try when you are missing sleep.  And I need to realize that's what I'm doing every time I go to the barn; I'm facing my fear.  Two is that not only do I need to not expect to move forward, but I need to expect that sometimes I will move distinctly and painfully backward and that's just part of it.

Still - there's that question for me.  The question of spending $1,000 a month on something that is this hard.  Maybe I'm trying to live up to the rider I used to be.  Maybe this horse was the horse for the rider I used to be.  I know I said yesterday that I could be patient, but days like this make it hard.  I'm going to go have a bath and some hot chocolate and probably a good cry.  My lesson is on Thursday so I'm hoping the pendulum swings back the other way.

p.s. I swear I'm not this pessimistic or whiny in my real life.  Besides my questionable horse decisions, the rest of my life is pretty kick-ass.

p.p.s.  Days like this are also the kind of days where I think I should switch barns or send the pony to a trainer who will just put miles on her.  If I knew of someone that was far away but not too expensive I think I would do that for the winter.  Give her some 'real life' education to help her cope with things.

 

Right Here, Right Now

So today's exercise was to go to the barn and work with the horse I have right now.  To really be with her and see what it felt like.  Here are some observations about today, in no particular order.

1.  She nickered when I came in the barn.  No, it was not breakfast.  No, I did not give her carrots.  In fact, I have ONLY been giving her one carrot in her feed bin at the END of the ride.  I passed by her stall four times before I actually took her out and EVERY time she nickered at me and pricked her ears.  Previously I had believed Trainer #1 when she told me that she was just nickering for food.  Now, I'm thinking my pony *might* actually be nickering at me!

2.  She was so quiet in the cross ties.  She pinned her ears when I brushed her belly but I just ignored it and kept doing my thing.  She gave up quickly and I moved on.  We both exhaled.

3.  Her lunging was better today, with more transitions and more attention.  She has learned so much about lunging in the month she's been doing it.  Our lunge sessions have gone from 20 minutes of crazy town, to two minutes each way of smooth transitions.

4.  She's standing better at the mounting block, even if she did walk off today.  She stopped right away and let me fuss with reins and stirrup leathers.

5.  Our trot was more forward today.  I worked on being lighter and more relaxed and helping her move forward and into contact.

6.  I got frustrated with her being spooky (she actually spooked at her own poop because it was steaming...seriously, how Arab is that?) and started to yank.  I was tense, frustrated and heavy handed.  The pony took it all in stride, protesting by flipping her head and swishing her tail and going completely upside down for half of a circle.  We were probably both making the same face.  But you know what?  She didn't take off, she didn't do anything naughty, she just told me I was being tense and heavy handed.  Fair enough.

7.  At the end of our ride, I let her walk around on a loose rein and go wherever she wanted.  She went down to the other end of the arena a few times at a nice clip.  I then used that pace and that relaxed walk and took the contact back up.  We were soft, forward and relaxed.  Done!

8.  She practically fell asleep as I groomed her after her ride.  Even on her back legs.

9.  She let me clean out her girly bits (though not her teats quite yet) which get dirt and crap collected in the folds.  I have never met a horse so filthy in this particular area.  But she just closed her eyes and let me clean it up for her.  Good pony.

10.  When I put her back in the stall she went to say hi to her next door neighbor and then came back to say hi to me.  She even let me give her a hug and bury my nose in her sweet, pony smelling neck.

I think the Heart Horse discussion was good for me.  It has made me realize that when we both trust each other, the question of perfection is no longer a question.  It's just our journey that we're on together.

Perfect Pony List

In the ten minutes since I posted my last entry I was thinking about my list of what I want in a horse and what would make my pony a perfect pony.  Maybe my problem is I am focusing on all the things I don't want in a horse.  Animals respond to body language and our bodies often correspond with our emotions which come from our thoughts.  For example if I'm thinking about the pony spooking there are a series of things that happen.  I think about spooking, my brain shows me a picture of spooking, I may create a short movie or series of pictures where I see the pony spooking, my body reacts to these by increasing tension, which then turns into fear, which then goes outward in the form of tense muscles, shallow breathing and a change in smell.  I was once in an armed takeover robbery when I worked at the bank and I can tell you for certain that fear has a smell and your body will sweat fear when you are afraid.  Animals have a keener sense of smell and I know they can smell this change.  But back to the spooking.  So if I've spent a lot of time thinking and worrying about spooking, I'm almost guaranteed a spook.

So maybe all my obsessing about what's wrong with my horse is just leading to more wrong-ness.  So now I'm going to make a list of what I want in my perfect horse and maybe if my brain just thinks about that and not about what's wrong, the pony will start to look more and more like this horse.

My Perfect Pony List:

1.  Lovebug on the ground.  Wants to be with you.
2.  Stands quietly in cross ties
3.  Stands quietly when tied overall.
4.  Lets you touch/brush/rub her anywhere without biting or kicking or threatening.
5.  Lets you give her a bath/clip/groom/braid/saddle/bridle without biting, kicking or threating.
6.  Stands quietly in wash stall.
7.  Moves forward off the leg, quietly and without argument
8.  Is curious and confident
9.  Is safe on the ground and under saddle
10.  Is not over reactive under saddle
11.  Is forgiving of my mistakes

And here's what I imagine the Pony's list looks like.   So we can be fair about this, right?

My Perfect Partner List (by Tess)

1. Listens to me when I give small signals
2.  Is clear about she expects
3.  Gives as much as she takes
4.  Allows me to be a horse and be interested in things.  (I imagine her rolling her eyes and saying "I just wanted to see what was happening out there and we were just doing stupid 20 meter circles anyway."
5.  Gives me time to process things
6.  Rewards me when I do something well
7.  Gives me time to quiet down.
8.  Doesn't nag with the leg or seat
9.  Doesn't pull/yank/crank on the reins
10.  Is not over reactive when I am scared
11.  Is forgiving of my mistakes

I think we both want the same things when all is said and done, but can I be that owner for her?  And can she be that pony for me?

Heart Horse

Lately the term 'heart horse' has come up in my perusings of the internet.  As far as I can tell, your heart horse is the horse that is your equine soulmate.  People that own their heart horse may struggle, but they always come back to how they feel about their horse which is so strong that the struggle is worth it.  At least this seems to be what I'm reading about.

I wonder about this (and worry..duh...who would I be if I didn't worry about it!) and I think a lot about my current horse and my past horses.  I'm not sure I've had a heart horse even though I've had six horses and leased a few others.  I have loved them all in their own way, but there wasn't one horse that felt like it was 'it' for me. 

It's raining and windy today and I'm skipping going out to the barn in favor of hanging out with my family and doing some Christmas decorating.  But what's bothering me is that I still don't really *want* to go to the barn.  That my ride yesterday wasn't horrible, but it wasn't much fun.  Princess was spooky and inattentive and sucked back and above the bit.  We had some success with her being nice and quiet in the cross ties and letting me clean some scurf off her back legs, but I don't feel bonded with her.

Am I putting too much pressure on us?  Maybe.  I've now owned her a little over six months and have only started really trying to fix our relationship for about a month (right when I started blogging actually).  But I still contemplate if she's the right horse for me.  How different would things be if I had a horse that I knew was going to stand quietly while I brushed her.  A horse that I felt confident working on my seat with, maybe even a horse I could work on riding without stirrups.  Would I want to go out to the barn today if I had a horse that I could practice wrapping polo wraps on without fear of getting kicked in the face? 

I looked at quiet, well trained schoolmasters and tried quite a few.  They were almost all lovely, well behaved gentleman.  One cute little Arab even followed me around like a dog.  But I didn't feel a pull for him.  I didn't think about him after I left the barn.  The Princess was the only horse that after I left I was excited.  And nervous.  But I couldn't stop thinking about her.  She seemed like a diamond in the rough at the time.  She was underweight, out of shape and a total love bug.

Six months later (and having six months of pro training behind her) she seems more rough than diamond.  She pins her ears when you brush her girth.  She kicks when you touch her *there* (warning kicks but still kicks), she waves her back feet around and tries to yank them away, she freaks out in the wash stall, she spooks almost every single ride, she bucks or kicks out at the whip.  She pins her ears when I walk in front of her in the cross ties, she wants to nip when I fasten the front of her blanket...the list goes on of minor things that shouldn't matter. 

If Princess were my boyfriend I would be breaking up with her.  I would be telling my friends that no relationship should be this hard and if you have a list of complaints like the one I have, that it's just not the right person.  But she's not my boyfriend, she's my pony.  And I worry that the problem is just me and my confidence.  Once upon a time I was a decent rider and loved the challenge of a green (but sane) horse.  I loved the feeling of taking a horse from knowing nothing to being a solid citizen.  Can I get that back?  Or am I wasting my time with a horse that's not my heart horse??  I also realize that if I did want to sell the pony, it would likely be a long expensive process since I would have to pay someone to sell her for me and all the trainers around here require full time training to sell a horse for you.

As you can see from my incredibly long post, I have questions upon questions about this pony.  This is part of why I'm keeping this blog.  So that I can remind myself that there will be days like this.  The other part (and my favorite part) has been hearing other people's stories and getting great advice from people who have been there.

p.s.  Is it just me or does it seem like a lot of women buy the wrong horse when they get back into horses as an adult??  It seems like there are a lot of stories of the *first* horse being the wrong one.

Show Me Your Teeth

I would like to pat myself on the back for a moment.  About two weeks ago, the pony seemed to be having an increasingly hard time with wanting to rub the bridle off and being fussy and all that.  I mentioned to L that I thought she might need her teeth done.  She just turned 5 in May and had a cursory filing right when I bought her, but that was 6 months ago.  L didn't think that was a problem and said she was probably fine.

The vet came out today to give Tess her winter shots and the first thing L said to me when I got there was "She needs her teeth done badly."  Ha!  I was right!!  So, score one for intuition.  I'm excited to see how she changes after she gets her teeth done.  They will be letting me know when they are going to set up a group dentist appointment but I hope it's soon.

I haven't been to the barn yet today, but here's a picture of Tess in her new PINK blanket.  Because having the only tiny, grey Arabian mare in a barn full of giant, bay thoroughbreds wasn't enough.  I had to dress her in pink.

Surfing the Wave

Went out to the barn today fully expecting to have to deal with the iron fist of fear again.  I decided to give myself time.  As much time as I needed.  Tess got her shots this morning so there was a chance I wouldn't even be able to ride, depending on my timing.  I decided no matter what happened it would be okay.  I was going to just let the day happen.

Right when I got there I was told that the pony was hyped up and needed to stretch her legs, so we put her in the indoor arena.  She made a few laps with tail up, snorting at her reflection in the mirrors and sliding to a stop at the gate.  Then I remembered I had brought my camera.  So of course, after I got the camera out she just wanted to hang out and be mellow.  I know that I could have made her run for the sake of pictures, but I'm working on seeing the pony as a calm, mellow horse and less of a fire breathing dragon so watching her gallop around the arena wasn't my first priority.

Here are some photos of her hanging around in the arena.  Isn't she pretty?  The vet said I looked like a proud parent today with my camera.  

So after I was done snapping a thousand and one pictures, I saddled up.  I was pretty nervous so I told myself I didn't have to ride.  I didn't even put on my tall boots so there was no pressure.  I had watched a video on horsehero.com this morning about respect and lunging and how to engage your horse more, so when she wasn't listening well on the lunge I took her off and worked on disengaging her hindquarters.  Then we worked on reacting to the whip when I tapped her with it.  Then we disengaged the hindquarters again.  At the end of fifteen minutes she was licking, chewing and watching me carefully.  I felt really, really good.  She walked when I walked, stopped when I stopped, backed up respectfully if she was in my space.   I was in charge.  So I got on.  Our walk work started off a little shaky.  There was a lot going on and pony wanted to see if I was *really* going to make her pay attention.  Yes, yes I was.  

We went into trot and things fell apart the way they have been.  By this time there was an audience, including Trainer #1 who has been very passive aggressive about my defection to L.  My confidence plummeted, the pony took over and we were slogging around a 20 meter circle with me bouncing all over and her taking canter hop steps and flinging her head backwards.  Tapping with the whip resulted in a buck and more head flinging.  I felt the ball of tension firing up in my stomach and my arms turned to iron.  I dragged her around, flustered and frustrated and embarrassed.  Then I remembered what L said last week....if it falls apart, go back to where it's good and start over.  So we walked.  And worked on marching in the walk.  Then we tried trotting again.  It fell apart again.  So we walked and walked.  Success.  Trot.  Fail.  Walk.  Success.  Walk to trot.  Fail.  Trot to walk, tap with whip. Success.  Walk to trot.  One step of success!  Walk again. Walk to trot.  Trot to walk.  By this time, I've forgotten there's anyone there but me and the pony.  I don't care what I look like.  I don't care when we fall apart because we're learning.  Walk to trot.  Ask for more forward trot.  She canter hops.  Bring her down, push the trot forward and ask for canter.  And we're cantering!!  I'm tucking my seat and sitting back and then bringing her back down into a forward, gorgeous trot.  Before it can fall apart we walk again.  Then we got the other way.  Walk. Trot. Fail. Walk. Success. Walk. Trot.  Canter step.  Okay, we'll canter then!  And we canter the other way until I bring her into another perfect forward trot.  We stop then and there are congratulatory pats for the pony and lots of "Good  Girls"  But when I'm praising her, I'm also praising myself.  I stuck with it.  I wasn't afraid.  I was all sorts of other emotions, but I was NOT afraid.

We ended our ride at the scary end of the arena which we usually don't venture into.  We just stood there, her and I, watching the horses outside enjoy the sunshine.  I patted her rump and she blew a long exhale out her nose and I knew we were going to be just fine, her and I.