Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Confidence

Confidence is walking with your shoulders back and your head up, eyes alert and engaging.  Confidence is handling problems as they arise and then moving forward.  Confidence is knowing that even if you don't have the perfect solution, you can get there.  Confidence is trusting in something.  Maybe it's in your own abilities, maybe it's in your trainer and maybe it's in a higher power.  My horse has no confidence.  I have no confidence.  So when we try to step outside our collective comfort zones, our lack of confidence gels into a mushroom cloud of panic and despair.  She scrunches her body under saddle and I tilt forward and freeze.  We spiral downward.

We tried to take a walk the other day and the gate had her spinning and snorting and spinning and snorting.  When she really gets scared, she pushes her shoulder into me.  She figures if I'm not going to help her out, she'll make the decisions and push me out of the way.  My own fear rises up and my hands shake while my heart beats out of my chest.  I can feel tears threatening as the adrenaline overflows, looking for a place to release.  

I mutter curses under my breath, mostly at myself.  I'm not judging my horse who is simply a young horse looking for some leadership and guidance.  I'm judging me.  I'm judging my ineptness, my fear, my shaking hands.  Because although I can relate to the chickenshits of the world, I also can't relate.  I don't give myself an inch of "It's okay to be scared."  It's not okay for me to be scared.  It puts me and my horse in dangerous situations when I'm scared.  It makes things worse when I'm scared.  

So today, I'm going to try again with confidence.  And if I can't have confidence, I will try to find a small piece of faith to hold onto.  Faith in my trainer who thinks this horse is a fine match for me.  Faith in the universe that this horse came into my life for a reason (this sentence makes me want to smack myself silly.  I've seen too many people who are overhorsed use this as some bullshit excuse.  I hope this is not what I'm doing, but I'll admit I've thought a lot about it.)  I'm going to breathe deep and stand solid and see if I can't fake it 'til I make it.  

The cute face, looking for someone to be in charge.
Because remember how in my last post I promised to stop looking for a different solution all the time?  I am having a HARD time remembering that this week and need all the confidence in our future that I can get.  

6 comments:

  1. Confidence is such a tricky frail thing... and so vital when working with horses. I think every rider battles with this on occasion. I'm not sure where you stand on "all that Natural Horsemanship stuff" but I find working through scary obstacles on the ground in a systematic way helps build confidence all around, with the added bonus of helping to de-spookify your pony :)

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  2. This is not relevant, but love the purple saddle pad!
    My heart goes out to you and that this will pass.

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  3. : ) Mona, I don't think we necessarily struggle with identical issues, but I think we both struggle all the same. And suffer from bouts of self-doubt and a lack of confidence. I clearly don't have an answer since I'm right there struggling too, but will remind you of an inspiring quote. Remember it, repeat it and keep on moving forward. You're steps ahead of where you were last year, and will make many more strides in the months to come. Don't lose your belief in yourself!

    "Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown"

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  4. Some days I think all of us wish we were the riders we are when we are on the ground! Accept the fear and ride on! (as always easier said than done!!!)

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  5. "My own fear rises up and my hands shake while my heart beats out of my chest. I can feel tears threatening as the adrenaline overflows,....." Boy, does that sound familiar! Deep breathing helps. :-) It will get better. Your trainer believes in the two of you. Revel in the small successes, no matter how small. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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  6. "Because although I can relate to the chickenshits of the world, I also can't relate. I don't give myself an inch of "It's okay to be scared." It's not okay for me to be scared. It puts me and my horse in dangerous situations when I'm scared. It makes things worse when I'm scared."

    This puts my struggles into words perfectly. Just had a less-than-stellar lesson today in a spooky, under-construction and tarp-laden ring. Apparently I am the only person the horse I ride is spooky for...great. Spooky things to a horse spook me too because I know they'll spook him, and then I anticipate it, and later get mad at myself for turning it into a huge deal. Ugh!

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