The worst thing about being afraid is how persistent fear is. How fear sits next to you and holds your hand, strokes your forehead and your hair and tells you that you should just go lay down. How fear snakes through your stomach while soothing your mind into thinking you're sick. I have general anxiety about things and have been working on it for the past year, but today I just want to go back to bed. When fear has been your strongest relationship for the last fifteen years, it's hard to break up. Every day I confront my fear. My fear of getting hurt at the barn, my fear of throwing up and passing out while driving (did I mention fear is also totally irrational but can convince you that it's totally valid), my fear of judgement from other people, my fear of making parenting mistakes and raising a serial killer. I stare fear down on a regular basis and I always come out the other side. But fear is strong and we're still in the middle of our wrestling. And today I'm tired.
I don't want to push down these vague, uneasy feelings today. I don't want to go to the barn and fight through the nausea that will rise up as I make the twenty minute drive. I don't want to have to give myself a pep talk about training my horse and not letting her train me. I don't want to focus on breathing out and relaxing my shoulders and being the leader in the relationship. I want to get back in my pajamas and crawl into bed. I want to stay in my safe house and eat toast and hot chocolate and watch the rain and wind move through.
Tomorrow is supposed to be stormy, with high winds and lots of rain predicted. I have my weekly lesson scheduled for tomorrow and I'm already afraid. I don't want to go out in crazy windy weather and ride. I know I sound like a petulant child, but I'm so afraid. And then I'm angry at myself for being afraid. And then I'm depressed that I'm so afraid. But I know that if I take a break it will get worse. If I don't go out to the barn this week, then I will just have a young horse that has had a whole week off.
I will go to the barn today. I will suck it up. I wonder how much of this is because the last ride I had on Friday was not a good ride and then Saturday she had something funny on her elbow/shoulder. I couldn't go out yesterday so it's now been since Thursday that I had a success. The rational part of my brain sees all of this and is nodding and going "Yes, yes. Of COURSE that's it!" but then good ol fear jumps in and says "Why do you own a horse you're afraid of? Why are you even dealing with horses? This isn't fun. This is never going to be fun. You're never going to get it. And I'm pretty sure you're gonna puke today. Go back to bed."
Hopefully I will have a post about this afternoon that will turn this around. If nothing else, I will have stared fear down for one more day.